Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize