Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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