yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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