dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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