hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
