no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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