I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
