Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
