matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
