he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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