I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
