May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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