I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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