The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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