Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
