why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
