You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
