Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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