I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
