He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
