I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
