that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize