My hand turned me down
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
