i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
