Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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