i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
