My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize