just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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