I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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