I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
