i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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