ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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