Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
