Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
