i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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