sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
false alarm, still single
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize