He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
