I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
