So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
