Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
