Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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