I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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