More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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