Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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