I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
