My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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