Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
