I wish I could punch you in the face.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
