Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
