this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
