FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
