I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
