Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
