it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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