If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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