Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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