Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
